mylittlesniperrifle | Audio Log #1

[Audio]
[The feed kicks on, but the screen is dark. Seems this will be an sound only. Whoever turned it on has started it mid sentence.]

-come in! Seriously! Come in, Carolina!

[Doesn't sound happy. Epsilon isn't quite sure where he is, and a feminine snickering coming from his gear is making things worse.]

God dammit, just shut up for one moment! I'm trying to reach someone.... radio must be fried. Wait, since when have I needed a- you know what? Forget it. If this is another capture unit, at least it's not Blood Gulch this time.

[Have a few moments of whistling and general noises one would make while bored.]

Yep. This is great. Fuck this peace and quiet. [And the feed cuts out after this.]

[Action]
[Of course Epsilon is sure to take the sassy comm device. It won't shut up and it's his only clue as to where the hell he might be. The map app said something about New Bark Town, which he is going to assume is the place he just left behind. The trainers manual was a boring read, the red and white ball wound up being a bust (little did he know his little Porygon jumped ship into the gear), and now he was tired.

This was not how he had planned his day. Nope. He had tripped a few times and found out the hard way that this was indeed a fleshbag he was in, not his nice little AI or robot body.

Not to mention the music was pissing him off, that sleeping bag was going to be way too small, and why was there laundry soap? Was there enough to wash his armor? Might just have to find out the hard way...

Anyone who comes across this guy on Route 29 will be overhearing quite a swear fest. Very not PG.]

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[The 'other guy' can only mean one thing, and fuck, this is not good. How the hell would he even be here? He was in Meta!

Fuck. What do. What do.]

Right. Just like there's a damn voice in my comm device that won't shut up.

Yes. How the fuck do you know her and why the hell does it matter to you if I did?

So no death, world destruction, computer programs coming to life to kill you, and fuck all what else could happen in non-PG land.

Pretty much. Occasionally there's a larger threat, but even with that, it's still generally a pleasant and peaceful place. Sure, Team Rocket sometimes sets off bombs, but nothing ever seems to do much damage.

Though if you want an idea of how twisted this place can be while still being somehow child-friendly, use your Pokedex app to look up Yamask.

THE VOICE IN YOUR "COMM DEVICE" IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE HEARD OF THAT HAPPENING.
WE HAVE A MUTUAL FRIEND. HOW THE FUCK DO *YOU* KNOW HER?
AND IT MATTERS BECAUSE IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN IN TOUCH WITH HER YET, THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW HER MEANS I CAN PROBABLY CONVINCE DAVE TO TELEPORT YOU OVER OR SOMETHING.

Edited (reconsidered STUFF) 2016-04-09 04:11 (UTC)

Dude, you just--

[Wait.

Wait he's asking for Carolina.]

Oh fuck.

I AM DESIGNATED AS F.I.L.S.S. BY MY TRAINER. I AM A PORYGON, AND DID NOT MEAN ANY DISCOMFORT BY USING A VOICE MODULATER TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM.

You need to knock that fuck off when I'm the one talking!

MY APOLOGIES. I SHALL REFRAIN FROM ANY FURTHER COMMUNICATION IN THIS CONVERSATION.

Thank you.

[After this little outburst...]

Let's just say Carolina is someone important to me.

I'll say no thanks to the teleport. Bad history.

[First Red and Blue Teams, and now Team Rocket? Sound just like home. If you count the lack of military bases, Lopez, and team killing fucktards.

Epsilon takes a moment to do just that.]

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF POKEMON IS THAT?!

[Oh god, no, please don't let him be one of those when he dies in this place.]

Why haven't people eradicated them?!

OK, BUT THAT MEANS YOU'LL EITHER HAVE TO WALK THE REST OF THE WAY OR HAVE SOMEONE SEND YOU A POKÉMON YOU CAN RIDE OVER.
WALKING WOULD TAKE YOU A MONTH AND RIDING WOULD TAKE YOU TEN DAYS, BUT HEY, IT'S YOUR FUCKING CHOICE.

[... okay, he's happy, but at the same time all he can do is internal swear enough to make a whole platoon of sailors blush.]

What the fuck, Tucker?! First Carolina, and now you?! Do not tell me Caboose is here, too.

[Though if everyone was here, this whole video game world is fucked.]

[..... no thanks.]

Where's the other guy who sounds like me?

If he's not where you'd teleport me to, then I'll be damned to turn down that ride.

HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW, HE WAS BITCHING ABOUT SOME INN SOMEWHERE AND DIDN'T SAY A NAME. I DON'T THINK HE'S IN GOLDENROD THOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE GHOST-TYPES ROAMING THE HALLS HERE.

Honestly, that's not even one of the worst ones. Though Yamask can be very good Pokemon to train. I have one, myself. ... Well, it evolved, but still...

Fuck. That's good to know.

Tell that Dave guy I'm ready when he is. Somewhere in some damn high grass with a bitchy lady in the area.

Why the hell are people training ghosts?! This place would be a wet dream to an exorcist!

[Hmm... that might be a business to consider. Leonard L. Church, Exorcist.]

Ghost-type Pokemon are fairly standard fare around here. They're very good overall, and they're excellent when it comes to inflicting status effects. My starting Pokemon was a Ghost/Dark type.

HE'S GOING TO NEED MORE THAN THAT BUT YOU CAN WORK THAT SHIT OUT AMONG YOURSELVES. I'LL TELL HIM TO CONTACT YOU.

hey whats up this is daves transport at your service how can i help you

No, thank god. He'd probably have a fucking mammoth of a monster by now.

But yeah, sup.

[Okay it's been half a month, things aren't that bad.]

[That's creepy that ghosts are so... normal.]

Don't want one. I'll stick to critters I can't put my hand through.

Right. Thanks.

[May as well be polite.]

[There's a minuscule pause.]

YOU'RE WELCOME, I GUESS.

[Does this guy do this for a living?]

The name's- [Fuck, he can't go by that other name, not with Alpha here.]-Epsilon. I need to get to Goldenrod as fast as possible.

[Wait, what. Mammoth?...... Yeah, Caboose would be the type to be a weird expert in training these damn things]

Right.

Nothing much except being stranded in a tiny little town with no fucking idea how I got here, and some insane lady calling herself my 'mom'. What the fuck is going on here!

Still trying to figure out the "how I got here" but honestly?

Vacation. Shore leave, whatever you wanna call it.

I don't think AI's get vacation.

[Not like he can really complain to a higher up about it.]

So... I've got a problem. As in I'm not an AI here problem.

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